A Missy Original...

I found this picture almost accidently under a stack of several of Missy's doodles and drawings that she leaves around randomly, looking almost trash-like. I usually take a quick peek at the papers before they make it to the recycling bin, and this is the gem I discovered the other day... When asked to tell me what was going on in the picture, she said something about it being a really windy day, an apple falling out of the tree and almost hitting the deer, and the other animal in the picture is a lion. Poor deer.

Another proud parenting moment...

I was dropping off the kids at school the other day, feeling a little sad that they are not so little anymore. We had a great morning--they all got ready when they were supposed to, no fighting, no tattling, no last-minute "I forgot to do my homework"...it was a miracle. They have really been enjoying the school year so far--Michael's assessment has been, "Mama, First Grade is WAY better than Kindergarten!"

So that morning, we picked up our little car-poolers, and as I pulled up to drop them off, they all just rushed to get out the door. Feeling slightly hurt, I said "Hey, isn't anyone going to give me a kiss?" The collective answer was, "NO."

By this time, 5th Grader Matthew was just about to get out and I said, "So Matthew, you can either give me a kiss here, OR I can come to your classroom and you can give me one there."

I got my kiss.

Out of the mouth of Missy...

Missy and I went to pick up a birthday cake for Matthew the other evening. Since it was later in the evening, it was pretty quiet there, and the lady behind the counter had her back to me. To get her attention, I leaned over the counter and said, "Excuse me..." Missy's head whipped around, she looked up at me and inquired VERY loudly: "MAMA, YOU FARTED??"

Missy's Quote of the Day...

Interaction I overheard today:

Apparently, Missy decided she needed to hit Matthew for some reason, so Matthew hit her back. I usually don't condone the "eye for an eye" concept, but in some cases, I stay out of it and let them work things out on their own...And truth be told, sometimes Missy needs a dose of her own medicine...

"Owww, Matthew! Don't hit me!"
"But you hit ME, Missy."
"Yeah, but you're not supposed to hit me back!"
"But you started it, Missy."
"Yes, but I hit you so you could practice NOT hitting me back..."

Typical Missy logic....

EARNING his Black Belt

Matthew is now a Black Belt...Seeing him tie that crisp new belt around his waist for the first time at the end of his exam was one of those moments I will have etched in my mind forever. A flood of images and emotions washed over me as I saw him remove his half brown/half black belt and replace it with his new black one....I remembered his very first lesson when he was only four, his excitement, his innocence and over the years some difficult times he had feeling apprehensive, nervous and discouraged. Physically, what he learned did not come easily or naturally, and every belt he earned was the result of diligent practice and never giving up. Sometimes I felt as though he was going to classes for me and that he just didn't want to complain...but I saw him evolve into really wanting to do it for himself, and truly enjoying each accomplishment with pride...His gentle spirit has always been apparent---quietly observing, taking things in around him, listening, learning and assimiliating with humility and grace. I am so proud of what he has accomplished physically, but I cannot express adequately in words the amount of pride I feel for the person that he is and for the "inner" black belt he has become.

A rare day...

I spent most of yesterday just "in the moment" and not trying to get anywhere by a certain time or with a laid out plan...It was wonderful. There are so few days that I have like this, that when I do, I feel so incredibly peaceful and relaxed. I got to hang out with my soul-sista, we had tea, snacked, contemplated our lives, laughed about absurd things, teased our kids, watched the dog sleep, cleaned out her fish tank (well ok...she cleaned---I napped), and then we let the kids have disgusting greasy food at Burger King and play at the playground...

In my younger days, a day like that would have sounded like a coma-inducing experience. But now, I can't wait for these days..

My Dear Friend...

Once in a great while, you meet someone and you feel as if you have known them your whole life. They are just so easy to be around, you want to bear your soul to them, and for some reason they just see the good in you...

This special soul was meant to be my friend. She touched my life and that of my family's within just a few moments. She loved, appreciated, and found the humor in my little Missy, when she can often be so misunderstood...Her family became part of ours immediately, and the bond I feel for them is difficult to explain given the short time I have known them...

There was a time when I felt a little isolated by judgement from many important people in my life...I experienced uncomfortable periods of silence, comments of confusion, and down right anger from some---as if I was the sole decision-maker and cause of my "circumstances".... But this wonderful sister of mine lifted me, supported me, comforted me, and defended me when others questioned and made assumptions.

The gratitude and overwhelming blessing I feel because of this woman is beyond words. And I hope that now...ESPECIALLY now...she can feel the love and support I want to give to her.

Sending you my deepest heartfelt prayers, friend...

Bedtime Concert

I listened to the sweet sounds of Missy and Michael singing tonite before bedtime. Missy's singing voice is VERY LOUD, and she can (and did) go on for over half an hour singing her own made-up music and lyrics. Michael was sort of along for the ride, interjecting his soft (right on pitch, by the way!) version of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "The ABC's", when Missy would relinquish the stage long enough for him to squeeze in a song...and then she would boot him off and continue...

I had to excuse myself a couple of times during her marathon musical anthology because I could not keep from giggling at the hilarious lyrics she was improvising (of course, she was dead serious singing them)...Here's some of her little diddy...

(Now, imagine in your mind, these lyrics set to the melody of Little Mermaid's "Part of This World" song...and they are being sung at the TOP OF HER LUNGS, holding a plastic toy microphone...)

"I am so happy! That it's my birthday! I love
EVERYONE...and my mom is great...even when she is angry...because I made bad choices...la la la... and I love Michael, even when I do something to him and he tells on me....and Matthew when he has stinky toots...I BELIEVE IN GOD---AND JESUS--- AND SANTA CLAUS! Because if you don't believe, THEY WON'T COME! la la la... I trust in God, Jesus and Santa (apparently her Holy Trinity?) and everyone... I trust in Mama...and Namma...and Matthew and Michael...and Daddy...and Makana and Simba (the dogs) ...and Timmy (the cat) ...I love everyone...la la la!..."

And this went on...and on...and on...

I believe I smell a recording contract in her future.

Saying good night to Michael tonite...

"Mama, I'll come snuggle with you in the morning..."
"Okay, Michael...I can't wait! Good nite..."
"Good nite, Mama...I'll care about you always...ALWAYS..."
"Awww, Michael...I'll care about you too."
"Even when you die....and even when I die..."

What an angel...

Missy's Word of the Day: diarrhea

"Michael, I'm making a diarrhea."
"What's a diarrhea?"
"A book that you can write secrets in and no one is allowed to read it."
"I want a diarrhea too."

They used this word ALL DAY LONG...and did I correct them? Absolutely not...

Almost 30 years...

Someone who has seen me through the roughest waters...threw me a life jacket so many times, and caught mine when she needed one...

Right there to hand me a tissue or give me a high-five, to help me find humor in a rough situation, or to unconditionally support.

She's there to love my kids just as her own, and to see, love and appreciate the things in them that sometimes I forget.

She is strong, loving, kind and has inspired me for many years. I have seen her evolve like a butterfly, and I know her journey was not easy.

She helps me in my quest to become a better mom, friend and person...

Thanks, sister...

My namesake, my spiritual connection...

Emi ("a long awaited blessing")...I was 10 when she was born, and she and I are closer in age than her dad and I (my brother)...With each passing year, the gap feels closer and closer. She and I "get each other"...we seem to have twin spirits...Much of her life has parallelled mine--places she lived, growing up in the military, daughter of a colonel,...but more than that many of her thoughts and feelings that she has expressed to me over the years could have been mine as well...

We have been thinking about each other a lot over the past few days, playing phone tag, etc. and we finally got to chat this morning. It was really like a boost to my spirit that I almost didn't realize I needed. Although we don't get to chat a lot, when we do, I feel loved, supported and understood...She truly blesses me...

Her name is perfect.

Feeling his light again...

"You're only as happy as your saddest child..."

I'm not sure where I heard that quote, but I find it to be so true.

For the past month or so, I have felt Matthew's spirit to be a little quiet...a little distant. I'm not sure exactly why, and I don't think he knows either. He was home from school sick for four days last week, and that wiped him out...But even before that, as I look back on the past few weeks, I noticed that he just didn't seem like himself...and it made me feel sad.

But over the last two days, I have been seeing his light return---like the sunshine that peeks through the clouds after a rain. His eyes seem brighter, his energy feels stronger, and it has lifted me as well. I feel relieved...and happy to have him back.

Today, I feel peace...

"As human beings we all want to be happy and free from misery… we have learned that the key to happiness is inner peace. The greatest obstacles to inner peace are disturbing emotions such as anger, attachment, fear and suspicion, while love and compassion and a sense of universal responsibility are the sources of peace and happiness."
--The Dalai Lama

"There is only one God and He is God to all; therefore it is important that everyone is seen as equal before God. I’ve always said we should help a Hindu become a better Hindu, a Muslim become a better Muslim, a Catholic become a better Catholic. "--Mother Teresa

Me..In Progress

So, over the past couple of years, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection...

Not realizing it at the time, I spent most of the past four decades trying to please...doing what was expected...trying to be what others liked and wanted...having a passion for nurturing my relationships, but not necessarily myself. I was malleable, easily influenced (to a point)--mainly because I went with the flow..I was okay with doing what others wanted, because for whatever reason, I actually liked doing what made others happy, and I really didn't begrudge anyone for that. I truly didn't mind. It's just who I was. But I do think I lost a little of myself because of that.

As I sit it my 40's now, I have realized that I evolved over each decade into someone stronger, more comfortable in my skin, more introspective, and less influenced by others. I don't care (as much, or for long) about what others think of me. My circle of influence has gotten smaller and smaller, and I am okay with that. I feel peaceful with decisions and circumstances in my life, and over the past couple of years, I have realized which relationships I will go to the ends of the earth for...and the ones that weren't what I thought. The past year solidified and strenghthend my most valued relationships, and made me realize there were a few that I had to be comfortable stepping back from.

I am excited about my path for the next four decades. I am challenging myself more to recognize my feelings and articulate them--something I spent my whole life either guarding, hiding or denying. At times it's frustrating, scary, I feel insecure, and I fall back into my old habits of shutting down. Sometimes I want to guard myself and my heart. But then just in time, I am blessed with feelings of overwhelming joy that I would not feel if I didn't let my heart open up wide to receive it.

I think I'm headed in the right direction...

The Best Stuff is Unplanned

I love those rare days when we have absolutely nothing planned. No commitments, birthday parties, sports, no thoughts as to how to entertain the three of them...And sometimes I forget how refreshing those days are...

Today was going to be one of those semi-busy days, but instead, due to an unexpected trip Matthew made to the doctor, I found myself hanging out with Michael and Missy at our apartment with no plans. We got greasy drive-thru breakfast foods, had a little picnic in the living room, and then they played with each other for hours---they played Tinkertoys, made a Play-Doh museum for me to visit, played several games, watched some TV, and then played "karate class"--taking turns being the teacher. They were SOOO CUTE..I had the best time just watching them. I was reminded of what good friends they will be someday, and that made me happy. Despite their sibling squabbles, they really do enjoy each other's company (most of the time).

They blessed me today...

Missy's Career Choice...

Conversation in the car-ride to school...

"Mama, I really want to be an elf when I grow up."

"An elf?"

"Yes."

"Why would you like to be an elf?

(Michael chiming in from the back seat): "Because she wants to help Santa Claus."

"Yes....(contemplative pause)....but I don't really know how to make toys."

The Baby

I have the most amusing converstions with Michael...He is the one who will ask questions, and WILL NOT LET IT GO until he is completely satisfied with the answer I give him--which somtimes (actually, MANY times) puts me in an uncomfortable position.

I have been raked over the coals about where God is, Santa Claus, why he can't kiss me with his mouth open like he sees people do on TV, ...and I'm pretty sure he will be the most difficult of the three to discuss the whole birds/bees fiasco.

He is the one who is very sensitive to my moods. He asks me if I am angry with him. He cries if he thinks I am. He snuggles with me, and holds my face to kiss me, and he tells me he loves me "more than Chuck E. Cheese" and "all the way to heaven and back." He melts my heart when he is sad and makes me belly laugh when he is happy.

He is the baby, and looking at this picture, I want to cry because he looks so grown up.

Just Do It...

It's my way-after-New Year's resolution to continue my blog...even if it's a single thought of the moment. I'm no longer going to try and compose a masterpiece or wait for significant lightning bolt moments to urge me to write. That's what has kept me from posting in over a year. It's the Virgo in me. I can't commit it to writing unless it's a perfect composition. But since I am almost a Libra (Sept. 22), I am able to let go of the anal/OCD-ness in me...occasionally. We'll see how it goes...