Me..In Progress

So, over the past couple of years, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection...

Not realizing it at the time, I spent most of the past four decades trying to please...doing what was expected...trying to be what others liked and wanted...having a passion for nurturing my relationships, but not necessarily myself. I was malleable, easily influenced (to a point)--mainly because I went with the flow..I was okay with doing what others wanted, because for whatever reason, I actually liked doing what made others happy, and I really didn't begrudge anyone for that. I truly didn't mind. It's just who I was. But I do think I lost a little of myself because of that.

As I sit it my 40's now, I have realized that I evolved over each decade into someone stronger, more comfortable in my skin, more introspective, and less influenced by others. I don't care (as much, or for long) about what others think of me. My circle of influence has gotten smaller and smaller, and I am okay with that. I feel peaceful with decisions and circumstances in my life, and over the past couple of years, I have realized which relationships I will go to the ends of the earth for...and the ones that weren't what I thought. The past year solidified and strenghthend my most valued relationships, and made me realize there were a few that I had to be comfortable stepping back from.

I am excited about my path for the next four decades. I am challenging myself more to recognize my feelings and articulate them--something I spent my whole life either guarding, hiding or denying. At times it's frustrating, scary, I feel insecure, and I fall back into my old habits of shutting down. Sometimes I want to guard myself and my heart. But then just in time, I am blessed with feelings of overwhelming joy that I would not feel if I didn't let my heart open up wide to receive it.

I think I'm headed in the right direction...

The Best Stuff is Unplanned

I love those rare days when we have absolutely nothing planned. No commitments, birthday parties, sports, no thoughts as to how to entertain the three of them...And sometimes I forget how refreshing those days are...

Today was going to be one of those semi-busy days, but instead, due to an unexpected trip Matthew made to the doctor, I found myself hanging out with Michael and Missy at our apartment with no plans. We got greasy drive-thru breakfast foods, had a little picnic in the living room, and then they played with each other for hours---they played Tinkertoys, made a Play-Doh museum for me to visit, played several games, watched some TV, and then played "karate class"--taking turns being the teacher. They were SOOO CUTE..I had the best time just watching them. I was reminded of what good friends they will be someday, and that made me happy. Despite their sibling squabbles, they really do enjoy each other's company (most of the time).

They blessed me today...

Missy's Career Choice...

Conversation in the car-ride to school...

"Mama, I really want to be an elf when I grow up."

"An elf?"

"Yes."

"Why would you like to be an elf?

(Michael chiming in from the back seat): "Because she wants to help Santa Claus."

"Yes....(contemplative pause)....but I don't really know how to make toys."

The Baby

I have the most amusing converstions with Michael...He is the one who will ask questions, and WILL NOT LET IT GO until he is completely satisfied with the answer I give him--which somtimes (actually, MANY times) puts me in an uncomfortable position.

I have been raked over the coals about where God is, Santa Claus, why he can't kiss me with his mouth open like he sees people do on TV, ...and I'm pretty sure he will be the most difficult of the three to discuss the whole birds/bees fiasco.

He is the one who is very sensitive to my moods. He asks me if I am angry with him. He cries if he thinks I am. He snuggles with me, and holds my face to kiss me, and he tells me he loves me "more than Chuck E. Cheese" and "all the way to heaven and back." He melts my heart when he is sad and makes me belly laugh when he is happy.

He is the baby, and looking at this picture, I want to cry because he looks so grown up.

Just Do It...

It's my way-after-New Year's resolution to continue my blog...even if it's a single thought of the moment. I'm no longer going to try and compose a masterpiece or wait for significant lightning bolt moments to urge me to write. That's what has kept me from posting in over a year. It's the Virgo in me. I can't commit it to writing unless it's a perfect composition. But since I am almost a Libra (Sept. 22), I am able to let go of the anal/OCD-ness in me...occasionally. We'll see how it goes...

Missy's World...

I really could fill a book with just quotes that come from this little girl's mouth--quotes that truly make me belly laugh. She is not trying to be funny in the least, but the things that come out of her, and the way she sees and interacts with the world are sometimes so humorous... Of the three, she is probably the most tender-hearted and sensitive... although, the very thin layer on her outside can be tough, contrary, an dramatic!

At prayer-time, this little angel has her eyes closed the tightest and her hands clasped most earnestly...her heart-felt blessings for those around her can bring me to tears. Her Grandma Frances passed away a few weeks ago, and she said that she and Papa (her grandpa who passed away three years ago) were "alive in heaven together now." She blessed her friend's mom who "is also in heaven now," and lists all the special people in her life (including our dog, cat and her stuffed bunny)...She recaps all her feelings throughout the day--who she's angry at, what made her sad, why she doesn't want her brothers touching her pillow, ALL in her bedtime prayers...Sometimes her conversations with God can be verrrrrrryyyy looooooong, but she means every word of it from deep in her special little soul...

And then to round out the day, we'll have a conversation such as the one we had today, when she told me how excited she was to be invited to her friend Isabella's birthday party. She listed all her friends that would be there, and said "AND Adam will be there too, Mama!", smiling and obviously very happy about it. So when I asked if Adam was her "special" friend, she replied very matter-of-factly, "No... Adam is the boy I punched in the stomach. But he's my friend now." And that's our little princess in a nutshell...

The Talent Show

A few months ago, Matthew and Missy decided they wanted to do a karate demonstration for the school's annual talent show, and their wonderful karate instructor/ babysitter Mr. Joe agreed to help them. Three weeks before the big night, Matthew had second thoughts and wanted to "change his mind." He felt anxious and nervous about being in front of all his schoolmates, and I told him that I was not going to force him to participate if he really didn't want to. It looked as though the show may go on with only Missy performing, which would have been fine...but Mr. Joe had a long talk with Matthew and asked him to reconsider---that once they practiced their routine, he would feel more comfortable, know what to expect, and he would be proud that he did it after it was over. Reluctantly, Matthew agreed to think it over...he rehearsed the performance willingly, and gradually he became more confident in what they would be doing...

Missy was pretty much along for the ride, oblivious to what it all meant at first, and depending on her mood she would either be really happy about practicing or in tears proclaiming the end of the world. On the first particularly difficult evening, in between crying episodes, I finally just told her, “Missy I’ll give you five bucks if you practice nicely and do your very best for this talent show.” Not one of my proudest motherly moments, but it got her through that evening thankfully. The rehearsals after that went pretty smoothly, and Mr. Joe was a trooper, keeping them focused and motivated…

The big night finally came, and the atmosphere in the big high school auditorium was exciting. Kids wearing their performance numbers around their necks, squealing with anticipation...families waiting anxiously for their little “stars” to perform… The “one” performance we were interested in (of the 69 total acts that would last 4.5 hours we were told) was THANKFULLY number 3 on the list…AND THEY WERE WONDERFUL. Missy looked like she was in her glory, grinning from ear to ear running, jumping, kicking and having the best time. Even Matthew looked as though he was enjoying himself and took the performance very seriously. They received enthusiastic applause from the audience, and Missy looked as though she wanted to stay on the stage just soaking in all the accolades. It was a fantastic finish to a journey that started off a little bumpy…It was a relief to be done, but everyone was happy about the outcome…

On the way home, reflecting on the experience, Matthew’s first comment was, “That was really fun!” and he was glad that he ended up deciding to go through with it…That so warmed my heart…and made me very proud….Our little princess Missy had her first comment the second she came gliding ever so happily off the stage and came to sit next to me in the audience. I was beaming with pride at her accomplishment and how she was like a little ray of sunshine up there. She leaned over to me, I leaned closer to her, thinking how beautifully my little kindergartener was blossoming…and she looked at me very seriously straight in my eyes and said, “Can I have my five bucks now?”