6 years, 10 months...

...since my last post.

Rather than try and re-cap everything that's kept me from writing and listing events to fill that gap, we will just start fresh in this moment and let things organically flow...no excuses , no commitments, just good intentions and a desire to leave my kids with a knowing of what their mom was thinking and feeling in moments throughout the years...

Even in times of challenge, struggle, darkness and desperation, there is ALWAYS blessing, light, and strength to be found.  And I certainly learned that over the years, especially in the past few years.  No one is immune to struggle, trauma, sadness, and disappointment, and my challenges are not more difficult or worse than anyone else's.  But I hope I can share with my children and others, the lessons I've learned from my own challenges, and wisdom I gained from the amazing people who influenced me.

Just a few I'm thinking about today (I don't claim to have invented any of these, but they have influenced me throughout the years)...

• Everyone deserves unconditional love.  Not just when things are going well, when they are "behaving", making you happy, and during good times.  Unconditional love is most important when we make mistakes, when everyone else turns their backs, when things are dark, and falling apart.  People who change their lives for the better and don't give up, have a chance because they were loved unconditionally by someone.

• Everyone deserves a chance to be better and do better.  This goes hand in hand with unconditional love. When someone recognizes their shortcomings, asks for forgiveness, wants to do better, and actually takes action to improve, they should be supported--not condemned.  When someone believes in them, they believe in themselves, and will have the strength to continue their trajectory to be better.

• Don't allow the past to dictate your present and future.  Learn from the past, but don't live in the past.  Re-living mistakes, re-playing negative experiences, returning to negative feelings of the past will only keep you prisoner in the past.  It will rob you of your present and keep you from a bright future.  Look at past experiences as giving you strength and wisdom.  Let go of the negativity.  Take control of your thoughts and feelings, and elevate yourself, liberate yourself and empower yourself to live a happy life in the present, building a positive path for your future.

A few words of widsom for my kids...More to come...
Love you...Mom.

Earning my 2nd Degree Black Belt

In recent years, my life has evolved in so many ways and on so many levels. As I reflect on my journey toward earning my 2^nd degree black belt, I realize that this accomplishment is a significant symbol and representation of my entire being and who I have become - physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It represents a new level of achievement that I never imagined would belong to me.

As long as I can remember, I never sought or enjoyed the spotlight. I didn’t like attention placed on me, and I was perfectly happy staying anonymous and unnoticed in many situations. I grew up without siblings close in age, so I was in essence an “only child.” However, I was somewhat gregarious and social, and I enjoyed being around others who I felt close to. Although never intentional, I look back and realize that I was always most comfortable and received great fulfillment in supporting others in their pursuits. As a child, teenager and young adult, I was always very happily in the position of supporting the people important to me—in their careers, interests and dream-chasing. I truly found satisfaction in helping others achieve. I was a counselor helping children in camp, a teacher of middle school students, and worked in several positions at universities helping adults learn the technical skills necessary to earn their veterinary doctorates, and my most significant supporting role—a mom. I have had a diversity of experiences, yet all very similar at the core. For a brief period as a young adult, I was bothered by the fact that I never had any BIG DREAMS for myself—career aspirations that I felt truly passionate about, or any interests that lit a burning desire within me. But what I WAS passionate about was my relationships with my loved ones, and as far back as I can remember, being “a mom” was my deepest aspiration. I evolved to feeling true contentment, fulfillment and pride in this ultimate supporting role and my ultimate career choice of motherhood.

My path to achieving my 1^st degree black belt represented a new sense of independence and individuality I was discovering in myself at that time. I was developing another layer to my being, and earning that belt represented my highest level of accomplishment that I had truly worked on only for myself. It coincided with a transitional time in my life where I truly was becoming independent and discovering who I was as an individual.

Since that time, my training and life experiences continue to parallel, and my journey toward 2^nd degree has been a symbolic representation of my life. This next level of achievement represents another level of maturity for me--physically, emotionally, in my spirit and in my relationships with everyone around me. With the continued practice and strengthening of my foundational basic martial arts techniques while also learning challenging and exciting new advanced techniques toward second degree, I have really developed a sense of confidence in my abilities and have felt the fire being lit within me to achieve the next level. While I continue to love the part of me who supports the accomplishments of my loved ones around me, I can honestly say that I am more peaceful, fulfilled and content since I discovered the importance of nurturing myself as well. The care, love and attention we give to ourselves will truly allow us to have more to give to others.

My family is the most important part of my life, above all else. Without the love I receive from each one of them, no accomplishment would mean a thing to me. My children bring me laughter, joy, and a deep sense of purpose…Matthew grounds me—his gentle energy calms me and inspires me, and I love that he is my “senior” as a black belt…Missy has such a spiritual intelligence and a direct connection to the source, that I know she will be my teacher one day. Her love of nature and God is true and beautiful…Michael keeps me in check and loves me no matter what. His emotional maturity always amazes me, and he makes me want to always be better…Michelle has such a deep intelligence but also a softness and caring heart that is so endearing. I so look forward to seeing the wonderful woman she will become…Crystal makes me feel loved and treasured as a mom, which truly touches me. Her honest affection, hugs and kisses are felt deep within my soul…and my 6^th child, Joe—he is my supporter, cheerleader, loyal friend and champion. He helps us, protects us and cherishes us as his own family and we are so blessed to have him in our lives.

And finally…to Marco, love of my life. I can’t even write his name without tears filling my eyes. Of course, his guidance as my martial arts master has supported me and helped me achieve my accomplishments as a martial artist, and I am truly proud of the lessons I have learned. I’ve reached levels I never imagined possible because of his faith in my abilities. But far beyond what he has given me as a martial artist, he has given me so much more as my friend, partner, husband and soul mate. He has opened my heart and filled it with so much peace and love I never knew existed, and taught me how to truly feel and express that love. I feel such gratitude every single day to be blessed with his love, companionship and encouragement. My world is wonderful because of him.

The achievement of my 2^nd degree is so much more than a new gold stripe on my belt. It is another level of maturity in my life, a new chapter beginning, and the excitement of more achievement to come personally, professionally, as well as in my martial art. It has given me the confidence that I can achieve, and the desire to strive for even higher goals in the future, knowing I WILL get there…and those accomplishments will be even sweeter, with my loved ones around me, and knowing that I will still always be there to support THEM.

Old married couple...

It has been four whole months now, and we love our life. Things have never been busier, crazier or more hectic, but we find quiet moments everyday to appreciate the peace amongst the chaos.
Lots of wonderful experiences and opportunties have come our way recently, so we are working hard, playing hard, and very excited about our future...Things are wonderful.

Gratitude in 2009...

On New Years Eve, we laid together and wrote down all of the things we were grateful for in 2009. We were kind of sleepy, reflecting quietly in those hazy drowsy moments before turning out our lights, after everyone else had gone to bed. We wanted to start the first moments of 2010 with feelings of gratitude, because we know that those feelings elevate our spirits to the highest level of existence...

I read over our list today, and as I saw it with a rested, sharper eye, I was struck by a couple of things. One, I must have been very sleepy when we wrote it because I don't really remember writing them down! But more importantly, I loved how all of the things we were most grateful for were all about the love of our family and times we spent together---our relationship becoming stronger...all of our children loving each other and embracing each other as brothers and sisters... our trips together (Disney, camping, water parks, Ocean City, Hawaii, snow tubing)... fun times at the movies, bowling, art studio, the fair, the park, the zoo, museums, birthday parties, making ice cream, holidays,...

We have truly been blessed, and we are so looking forward to all of the blessings of 2010.

At a loss for words?

Seven months since my last post. That is just plain sad. Not sure if it's lack of time, lack of motivation, inablility to formulate a sentence that doesn't sound retarded...Maybe I am at a loss for words. I have spent the last two years involved in writing/editing a book. Maybe that process just squeezed every last syllable out of my soul, that I had nothing left to put here...

I do want to keep this up. I want to have somewhere to go when I am old and senile to remind me of what things were like when I was younger--when my kids were young and still thought I may have some authority. When they still wanted to snuggle with me and hold my hand when crossing the street...I want to remember funny precious moments with them and aggravating gray-hair-forming moments as well...I love my angels and I am holding onto them as long as they will let me...

Three farthest points on a triangle...

On Christmas night, as I was loading the kids into the van, I fell off a curb and severely sprained my ankle. It blew up like a balloon (and kept me in an immobilization boot for the next six weeks)....During the chaos of that whole traumatic event, my three little angels each reacted in perfect alignment with their individual personalities.

As I lay on the couch in excruciating pain, getting my ankle iced, Matthew nervously popped in and out of the room. He would watch, try and change the subject to some lighter topic, all the while staring uncomfortably at my ever-growing cankle...

Michael, my snuggler, has always been EXTREMELY sensitive to my emotions. As a toddler, if I looked even the slightest bit displeased about something, he would ask "Mama, are you angry to me?" That night, he would not leave my side. He kept petting my face, kissed me, and tried really hard to smooth out the frown line in between my eyebrows. So sweet....

And then there was Missy....My wonderful volatile fireball of happiness (most of the time) who's focused in her bubble sometimes...Now, let's remember---all three kids were there when I fell, not to mention the drama of trying to get into the house afterwards, gathering the ice packs, and carrying me to the couch to lay down...About an hour later, with my foot elevated getting iced, Michael petting my face and Matthew hovering around me like a nervous-nelly, Missy happily bee-bops into the room with her Star Wars laser gun, shoots everyone and then stops, confused, and asks, "Hey, what happened?"

A Missy Original...

I found this picture almost accidently under a stack of several of Missy's doodles and drawings that she leaves around randomly, looking almost trash-like. I usually take a quick peek at the papers before they make it to the recycling bin, and this is the gem I discovered the other day... When asked to tell me what was going on in the picture, she said something about it being a really windy day, an apple falling out of the tree and almost hitting the deer, and the other animal in the picture is a lion. Poor deer.